Starting Over

I haven't really been myself in a long time.  The end of last year was horrible for me and the majority of this year hasn't been that great either.  I don't know why it has taken me so long to realize this, but I have turned into a mean, angry, bitter, miserable person.  That's not who I am, but past events have changed me.  I don't want to be like this anymore.  I know, though, that the only way I'm going to get my true self back, is to let go of all of my anger and bitterness.  I can't imagine how hard it's going to be though.

Last November, my husband left me and our two sons.  We had been having problems for a while and that night, on November 3rd, he told me he'd finally had enough.  Eric had Nicole (a coworker, who was the cause of most of our fights) to come and pick him up.  He stayed with some male coworkers for about a week and then he moved back into his parents house.  Not long after that I found out that Eric and Nicole were "dating".  He would come over to visit the boys and I'd see hickeys on his neck.  Nicole caused countless problems for Eric and I during our separation.  When Eric's family and I were able to make her back off though, things were civil between me and Eric finally.  

On January 3rd, 2010 Eric realized what a huge mistake he was making.  We talked for a while and decided to reconcile.  Nicole continued to cause problems for us though.  We weren't able to finally get rid of her for another month or so.  Needless to say, that definitely put a strain on our relationship.  In March, Eric lost his job at Hardee's.  That was another blow.  He was able to find a part time job in April that barely got our bills paid.  Prayers were answered in May though when he got an assistant manager position at Burger King, making much more than he did at Hardee's.

Even though things were starting to finally look up for us, I was still holding onto the anger and the hurt of last year.  I find it really hard to trust Eric now, which doesn't help.  I'm not sure if I will ever trust him 100% again, but I know I need to work on trusting him more than I do now or things are never going to work out.  

Another source of anger and bitterness for me is Eric's family.  They have, for the past 6 years, done nothing but hurt us time after time after time.  I think we have both finally had enough and are ready to cut all ties to them.  I think we'll all be better off if things are like this.  I never wanted my children to be estranged from their grandparents, but the relationship is just too toxic and I really believe this is the better way to go.

So, starting now, I'm going to work on forgiving the things I need to forgive, letting go of my anger and bitterness, and becoming the person I used to be.  

This is my new beginning.